(RNN) - This is one of those weekends where Couch Potato can't make a persuasive argument that watching ball and drinking Mai Tais all day is a stronger calling than finally fixing the leaky upstairs toilet.
The latter will involve wrenches, anti-siphon ball cock replacement and other unspeakable things.
This week showcases Florida at Miami, South Carolina at Georgia, and that's it. Everything else is putrid. Don't talk to me about Notre Dame-Michigan. I've been down that road and what did I get? Heartache.
If you've got the full cable package and a remote packed with fresh batteries, here's a sampling of stinkers you can watch live on TV in the United States of America:
Norfolk State at Rutgers, Missouri State at Iowa, South Carolina State at Clemson, Buffalo at Baylor… I wouldn't look out the window at these games if they were being played in my front yard.
I keep hearing that once the BCS era ends and that one-plus, fake playoff thing goes into effect, there will be fewer gruesome mismatches during the regular season.
I'll believe it when I see it, and I guess I could save up and pay a plumber.
This week's featured quote movie: The Waterboy, a 1998 cinematic opus that gave us a nuanced, delicate performance by Adam Sandler as "Bobby Boucher" and Academy Award winner Kathy Bates' brilliant supporting turn as "Mama Boucher."
"Foosball? Buncha overgrown monsters man-handlin' each other!"
Last week, Jeff Driskel threw for way more than 150 yards, and Florida did such things as stop Toledo on a fourth-down conversion. The Gators won, 24-6. It was better than a sharp stick in the eye.
The game confirmed that Florida has a good defense and a plodding offense with all the sleep-inducing benefits of Ambien without making you get in your car and drive to Winn-Dixie in your pajamas.
Florida is about a three-point favorite, and Miami has covered the spread five of its last six games at home. The Hurricanes, unlike Toledo, have a detectible offensive pulse with senior QB Stephen Morris and runner Duke Johnson. Florida's defense must maintain control at all times because coming from behind doesn't seem like a thing the Gators would be good at.
Gratuitous quote from the great film Waterboy: "Alligators are ornery 'cause of their medulla oblongata."
What happens in this game will echo in eternity – or at least until Monday, when everybody starts talking about Nick and Johnny.
Georgia lost to Clemson last week because it couldn't kick a 2-inch field goal without snapping it over the holder's head, and South Carolina beat outclassed North Carolina despite star defender Jadeveon Clowney gasping like a decked mackerel most of the game.
This is South Carolina's most recent chance to get over the hump, to make that final transition from respected also-ran into a force that strikes terror into the hearts of Saban and his ilk.
Georgia needs to win or face the prospect of spending the next three months playing for wholesome fun and a postseason bus ride to the Chick-Fil-A Bowl.
As you've heard if you listened to ESPN for more than five minutes straight at any time this week, Aaron Murray will get one more chance to win the big one, and Clowney could get Jay Z to start returning his calls with a breakout game against one of the better offensive lines he'll see all year.
Spurrier has a knack for getting in Georgia's head and has won each of the last three years. USC's offense may be better than previously thought. Connor Shaw is underrated but needs to be careful about running so much or he's going to get broken in two, and Mike Davis is the best young running back in the league.
Gratuitous quote from the great film Waterboy: "That's kinda like my old man told me one time, Lynn. The only thing better than a crawfish dinner is five crawfish dinners."
The other ones: Miami (OH) goes to Kentucky where we see if Mike Stoops' gang can outdraw the spring game after last week's loss to Bobby Petrino's Western Kentucky.
Speaking of the Hilltoppers, they stand a chance to take away Tennessee's joy after that big opening win over Austin Peay, which travels boldly into the lair of multiple-lead-blowing Vanderbilt.
Even worse, Mississippi State hosts Alcorn State, Arkansas welcomes Samford and Texas A&M plays Sam Houston State. UAB heads to LSU, Missouri sees if it can outgain Florida against the egregious Toledo, and Southeast Missouri heads to conquerors-of-Vanderbilt, Ole Miss.
Auburn plays Arkansas State, the school coach Gus Malzahn spurned after one whole season, and fair warning: They're about as good as Washington State, no kidding.
Gratuitous quote from the great film Waterboy: "You don't have what they call 'the social skills.' That's why you never have any friends, 'cept fo' yo' mama."
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